When to use your stern voice

A stern face and voice does have a place in good parenting, but it is a limited place. I once worked with a great Czech doctor and scientist, the late Vladimir Synek. He was always very kind, softly spoken and polite. I remember one of his staff saying, “He would never have to tell me off. All he would have to do would be to say , ‘Oh Deborah’, with a slightly disappointed tone, and I would burst into tears.”

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Some parents use a grumpy, drill-sergeant tone every time they give some direction or request to their kids. But it rapidly loses effectiveness. They have to get louder and louder and sterner and sterner to have any effect at all.  They end up having to yell even to get the kids to do things they want to do! “Come and have some ice-cream now!” Not really, but the kids do get used to it. The stern, grumpy face and angry, threatening voice is just normal to them.

So my tip – if you use a stern face and tone very, very rarely, and only for very important matters, it can be extremely effective. The goal is it should be so rare that, if you ever do use it, they lose bladder control! But the rest of the time, use a kinder softer tone, backed up with the expectation that they will comply, and use calm consequences if they don’t.

Attend a Toolbox parenting group


The four Toolbox groups – Early Years (0-6), Middle Years (6-12), Tweens and Teens (12-18) and Building Awesome Whānau (0-12) are available throughout the country. In an informal, relaxed and friendly environment (often someone’s home) participants are equipped with practical skills and strategies that can be immediately put to use. Over six sessions, key parenting principles are explored and participants are encouraged in their parenting. Find out more and register here.


About Author

John Cowan

Writer, speaker and broadcaster, John Cowan shares his insight and opinions about the latest in parenting and family news in New Zealand. Hear John speak on radio stations every week throughout the country and regularly on national TV.  Follow @JohnCowanNZ on Twitter

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