The antidote to bullying

There are two ways to tackle unpleasant behaviour. One is to discourage it with penalties and disapproval. The other way is to encourage better behaviour to replace the bad behaviour. It is not enough to say what not to do, you need to teach kids what they should do. If your child is bullying others, you will of course use the first way. They will get a telling off and there may well be some penalties. They have to know it is unacceptable and it’ll get them into trouble. To avoid bigger trouble later, the kindest thing is for them to experience a bit of trouble now. But don’t forget the second way as well – coach them into better ways of getting what they hoped the bullying would achieve.

For example, bullying is often simply a way to impress onlookers. The bully wants to show he is part of the group and so he picks on someone who is different from the group – older, younger, shorter, a different religion, etc. There is usually something about the victim that sets them apart from the bully’s group. The bully thinks the more I pick on the victim, the more I prove I am part of the in-group. So, if your child has been caught bullying, not only do they have to learn that bullying will get them in trouble, they also need to learn skills to make friends and fit in. Skills like –

  • How to invite a friend home to play
  • How to approach peers and how to ask to join in their game
  • How to say positive things about other people
  • How to play games and practice taking turns
  • How to be a good sport
  • How to be empathetic to others

Good social skills are an antidote to bullying.

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John Cowan

Writer, speaker and broadcaster, John Cowan shares his insight and opinions about the latest in parenting and family news in New Zealand. Hear John speak on radio stations every week throughout the country and regularly on national TV.  Follow @JohnCowanNZ on Twitter

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